Some days, sorrow and joy will be intertwined, a delicate dance of dark and light — both deserve to be softly held, both belong in sight. And that’s the art of living on but never letting go. - Bryan Anthonys
I remember one day when I was in junior high, I was lying in the grass with my best friend, looking up at the clouds overhead and watching little planes pass by. We had been walking around our neighborhood all day, and we stopped at a park to read a few chapters from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul. While she was reading, I thought to myself that we would be best friends forever. I know that I believed that fully in my heart.
Almost twenty years later, I can’t remember the last time I spoke to her, let alone saw her in person. I suppose it goes without saying that I never had intentions of losing that friendship, or any of the ones I’ve lost since. Though being the imperfect human that I am, I’ve certainly done enough wrong to have a lot of relationships go sour. I’ve also realized in the last several years what I expect out of my friendships, and what I expect from myself as a friend; I’ve lost people through those boundaries, too.
At thirty-one, I find myself I’m considering my circle of friends and allies often. It’s evolved quite a bit just in the last three years. As I’ve discussed before, the pandemic ripped many lives apart. We lost people through illness, but we also lost people through choice — those in our lives that weren’t meeting our standards. It’s less heartbreaking when it’s mutual, like two friends agreeing that they’re better off walking away from each other in order to find overall peace. Most of the time, it’s never that easy; at least one person always gets burned.
It’s Not You, It’s Me In the last three years, I’ve done my fair share of burning. While on a journey to find myself, I’ve allowed some relationships to wither that maybe needed more tending to. While I was in it, I didn’t realize what was happening or how I might have been neglecting someone. It’s hard when you’re depressed to see things in color and for how they really are. When everything feels dull and grey, things can easily get lost. Still, there’s no excuse good enough for neglect, and I’ve had several people leave my life because of it.
I’m also notorious for being tardy. At one point last year, I was so overbooked that I had made plans with three different people in the same day. You might be asking, “How did you make it all work?!” And the short answer is I didn’t. Toward the end of the night, I was running late to the last item on that day’s itinerary. To note, it’s not that it wasn’t as important as the other things I did that day. It just happened to be at the end of the day, and I have poor time management. So I arrived late, twenty minutes after my friends left the thing they invited me to.
I want to say that I’ll be better, but it’s been three decades, and thus far I have barely improved. I had a friend once tell me, “Your real friends get you, they understand you, and you’re not going to lose them by being who you are.” But I would warn you, if there’s someone in your life that you value, you should do your best to make them a priority — and one of the best ways to do that is to show up on time.
It’s possible to learn to be a better friend, if you find you’ve been struggling in that department. One way I’ve been able to show up more in my friendships is by realizing one hard truth: you can’t be friends with everyone. There just isn’t enough time, and there isn’t enough me to go around. By being pickier about who I let in my circle, I have an easier time doing all the things I want to do while still showing up for my friends.
Choosing You Sometimes, your friendships will be impacted by the choices you make in life, and it won’t matter what kind of a friend or person you are. In the last year, my circle has had to shrink in order to fit the life I truly want to live. To help me make difficult decisions — like who I want to be involved in my life — my therapist has me make lists: pros and cons, must haves. I make these lists for friendships all the time, asking myself questions like, “What type of friendship do I need right now?” and “What kind of support am I looking for right now?” I wonder to myself, “How am I able to show up in my friendships today?” and “How do I want to show up in my friendships?” My goal is to be able to see my needs laid out in front of me so that I am better prepared when I make new friends or am experiencing discomfort in my current friendships.
Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver
Not everyone has had my back while I’ve been paving my way toward the future I desire, and I’ve had to be comfortable in the discomfort, in the grief and loss. While I love many of those folks that aren’t in my life anymore, I love living the way I want to more. I love myself more. I had to make the decision to stop sacrificing what I need and want in order to please everyone else. I had to stop worrying about who I would upset and believe the fact that my people would still be standing there when the dust settled. I had to come to the emotionally difficult decision to either walk away or let them walk away.
Win some and lose some That’s just the way it goes In this game of life - a haiku about friendship by the author
Relationships are hard, no matter who they’re with — family, friends, partners. Anyone would tell you that losing yourself is worse than losing your partner. Anyone would tell you that if you have to sacrifice who you are in order to appease your family, that maybe you need to set boundaries and take some space away. The same should be said about your friendships. Decide what you are willing to accept from all your relationships going forward, and hold yourself and the people in your life to those standards. Let the rest of the cookie crumble.
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