But why think about that when all the golden lands ahead of you and all kinds of unforeseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you’re alive to see? Jack Kerouac
I suppose I've always considered myself to be an explorer, a modern-day pioneer of sorts. I grew up in a town in the midwest, very close to Chicago, the third largest city in the States. My parents kept us wild by taking us camping and on road trips to places like Corning, New York, The Smoky Mountains and the Florida panhandle. I spent many summers playing baseball and kickball in the park and making things out of clay in the creek behind my house.I ran through cornfields barefoot and rode my bike ten miles to the next town just because I could. I was never afraid to get my hands dirty, always strayed a little too far off the beaten path. Though I had never been west of Illinois, I still jumped at the chance — with very little thought behind it — to make the journey toward the Pacific Ocean, starting a new life in Los Angeles when I was just twenty-two.
Through work, I have been able to explore many places I hadn’t been to before. Since my move, I’ve been to several countries, including Fiji, Trinidad, Colombia, Italy and Japan. I traveled to twenty different states, living temporarily in many cities including Nashville, St. Louis, Kansas City and Las Vegas. Since the Pandemic, I’ve done several big road trips. Some of my favorites were Los Angeles to Chicago (through Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa and Illinois) and back (through Illinois, Missouri, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico and Arizona) and Lake Mead to the Grand Canyon (South Rim then North Rim) to Bryce Canyon to The Mojave Preserve. When I turned thirty, I drove to Florida and back in my RAV4 to visit my parents over the course of twenty-one days, spending many nights in Arizona, Texas and Louisiana. I’ve covered almost 15,000 miles just in the last three years, but honestly, it’s a wonder that I’ve been anywhere at all.
My anxiety almost always worsens after the setting sun. I’m absolutely terrified of the dark and have at times become extremely overwhelmed with fear when I know I will be hiking, driving or setting up camp in the dark. I can get very stressed out when I lose signal while in the backcountry because you never know when there will be an emergency. I worry about spiders, wild animals and other humans. I am always considering my personal safety on every trip I take. There are many times when I’m traveling alone or with friends where I wonder (and they probably do, too) why I continue to put myself in these situations.
On my way back from my Indiana road trip during the pandemic, I spent one night camped out in New Mexico. While eating dinner, a spider crawled up my leg and spooked me to my core. I spent the entire rest of the night reading in my tent.
In July 2021, I was camping with friends at Big Bear Lake in California without any cell signal, surrounded by these giant and incredible pine trees. Out of nowhere, a storm came through after the sun had set and pounded the area for almost twelve hours. I spent a large portion of that evening in my tent, wondering if the previously dry and drought-stricken Southern California soil would become too oversaturated, causing a tree to fall onto where I slept in the middle of the night.
One night during my birthday road trip last year, while camping in Big Bend National Park, I hiked to a hot spring. I spent the first part of the hike in total ecstasy, surrounded by all of that desert magic, and then I spent the second part of the hike completely melting down after realizing I’d be hiking back in total darkness.
I know that it’s incredibly ironic that I have had so many of these anxious experiences, considering how often I’m traveling and “on the road”, but I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I have to try really hard not to let these parts of myself take over and hold me back, so I still continue to travel, pushing myself to explore new things and expand my personal boundaries around adventures. I often have to remind myself that every trip will have both great and hard times, and it isn’t lost on me how much growth there can be in these situations where I feel I’ve lost control. The main thing I try to remember is that life is too short to not follow our dreams. We don’t get a second chance or a do-over. I wish I traveled more in my twenties, but there isn’t a way for me to go back in time. The only thing I can do is acknowledge and sit with the hard feelings as they come up, give my body a chance to process them and then thank the feelings as they pass on through.
Why think about all that can go wrong when I can watch the sunset from the top of a mountain, or set up camp at night in the desert while listening to the howls of coyotes? What a shame it would be if I let my anxieties hold me back from experiencing all of that.
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